No, the title of my post does not mean that I have overcome my anxiety, so if you were hoping to find some wellspring of knowledge on how to do that, keep on movin'. It does, however, mean that I am working on it. I'm hoping that, with the Lord's help, I can make some steady progress in this endeavor.
Let's face it, guys. Becoming a parent is SCARY. Having these little human beings that you are responsible for molding into productive big human beings could make even the most level-headed of us a little cuckoo. And as we all know, I am NOT the most level-headed of us, so there you go. I'm going to be totally open and honest about how anxiety affects my life, not because I just love the idea of everyone knowing what a nut I really, truly am, but because-just maybe-by sharing my fears, someone else will think, "Hey, I've felt that way, too....I'm not all alone in this!". So you can see the whole big picture of crazy ol' me, let's back up a little, shall we?
Once upon a time, there was this boy, and this girl. They were in love, so they got married. Fast forward 2 years down the road. Boy and girl decide that their little duo isn't quite complete, and they want to make it a trio. Girl gets pregnant, but alas, God decides that, for whatever reason, now is not quite the time for the boy and girl to become parents. So they keep trying, and after 3 years of marriage, they bring a beautiful baby boy into the world. Life is great....they love their little family of three. The girl quits working, and gets to be a stay at home mommy to this super awesome little guy. (THANK YOU Mr. Fantastic, for all the hard work you do so that this is possible. Seriously guys, he's pretty fabulous.) Things are rocking along pretty good, but this trio really wants to spread the love and add a fourth to the party. So the little guy (if you haven't guessed it by now, that's Motormouth.) prays every night for God to bless his family with a brother and a sister. No matter how much his parents correct that to "a brother OR a sister", he persists.
Just when the boy and girl are beginning to think their plans to have another baby aren't really meshing with God's plan for their life, they find out that they're absolutely right about that hunch. Oh, the girl gets pregnant again, alright. When she goes in to make sure everything is a-ok with the little peanut, she finds out that GOD ANSWERS PRAYER. And this includes the prayers of a certain 3 year old boy who prayed every night for a brother AND a sister. Enter the Tweebs into the picture.
So, just to make sure everyone is with me, here's a summary:
1. Boy and Girl get married.
2. 3 years later, baby #1 arrives.
3. 3 1/2 years after THAT babies #2 and #3 arrive. (7 weeks early, it turned out. Thanks to God's loving care for our children, everyone was healthy. Well, healthy-ish. They did have to stay in the hospital for a month, but you wouldn't know it looking at either one of them now!)
So, here we are (I'm dispensing with referring to us as "boy and girl", because I think you've surely figured out that this is MY story by now.), with our little, teeny house (not that I'm hating on the little house...we had some great years there. But one 9x10 bedroom for 3 kids is pretty tight, especially when two of them aren't sleeping through the night yet.) bursting at the seams. So we decide to take the plunge and build a house. We move in on my 26th birthday....the day before the Tweebs 1st birthday! And two weeks before Motormouth's 5th birthday. Which means we need to start thinking about school. After much discussion and prayer, we decide that homeschooling is what is best for our family.
Almost 8 years after the beginning of our story, this is the situation: a new house, a 5 year old, TWO 1 year olds, and getting ready to start homeschooling Motormouth for kindergarten! Wow! Enter the anxiety. Well, scratch that....add some anxiety. Obviously, when you have children, you worry some about their safety, and I doing this or that right.....that sort of thing.
I, however, in all my obsessive-compulsive glory, started to worry about EVERYTHING. I would worry about school, worry about the house (well, worry about how the house looked, because I hadn't worried about the housework....), worry about the kids' safety, my own safety, if the world was going to end.........okay, that last one was a bit of an exaggeration, but honestly, not by much.
Fast forward to today. I have a 5th grader and two 1st graders. We survived our first year of homeschooling, but I was stressed. That stress and anxiety has built up over the years. Which brings me to my current situation. I don't want to be anxious anymore. I shouldn't be this anxious, because I need to have faith that God will see me through whatever comes my way. I have these three amazing blessings that God has given me the privilege to call my own. Whatever anxiety I have is mine....I need to own it. I want to make it clear that I don't blame my kids for my anxiety.....just my grey hair. ;) Seriously though, they don't cause the anxiety, but I've figured out what does, and how I'm going to work on fixing it. Here's my plan:
1. PRAY OFTEN. This is something that, in the busy life I lead, I neglect far to much. And I ask the Lord to forgive me for that. I'm going to try to remember that in the hectic times, when I feel like I can't do it, I need to stop and ask God to carry me through, because He WILL.
2. GET ORGANIZED. If you know me AT ALL, you know that organization and housework are the bane of my existence. There you go, Mr. Fantastic, I said it! Right out there for all the people on the Internet to see! I think that if I would get myself organized, I would feel so much less anxiety, because my space would be calm and relaxed. It will also help my children learn better, and it is my job to do whatever I can to make their experience positive. Plus, they need this example from me, otherwise they will not be ordered in their own lives.
3. SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES. One thing I fail to remember far too often is that any struggle or question I have in my life can be answered simply by opening up God's word. Again, as with prayer, study has been neglected much in my life, and I ask the Lord's forgiveness for that, too. Study and prayer are things my kids need to see me doing, because they learn by my example. No matter what I manage to teach them in our schooling, if I fail in this area of teaching...the teaching of how to live a Christian life, then I have failed in everything, because this is the MOST important.
4. SIMPLIFY. I started working on this a few weeks ago, with our big curriculum change. While we are still working out a few kinks, all in all I think this is going really well. I'll post about our schedule on a different day, when I'm not posting a super ramble like today.
5. SLOW DOWN. I'm going to slow down, and enjoy every second of every day with my children, because I really do feel that, no matter how many stressful or even downright BAD days we have, I have THE best job in the world. I get to hang out all day long with the coolest kids on the planet. How much better does it get? One of these days I will look back and see that the time has gone by so fast. I do not want to live with regrets and "what ifs". Home educating gives us such a fantastic opportunity to really have quality time getting to know our kids, and to enjoy them. I don't want to take that for granted any more.
So, by now you're either extremely bored, or running for the hills. I am going to call it a night. Please though, if you would, take a minute and say a prayer for me, and for all the other moms and dads that are in this season of their lives, whether they are choosing to home educate or not, because it's a big, important job to raise our kids, and we could all use a little help now and then. I will leave you with two last thoughts.....
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward..." Psalm 127:3
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